Parishioner's Picks: Week 5

Back by little to no demand is the football picks column by your’s truly. Sorry about last week, I took a break from life, apparently, because I have no idea what happened from Thursday to Sunday. Apparently I went to work Thursday and Friday, but outside of those two things, I can’t recall one damn thing that happened. In any event, we’re here now, I’m in Community Property, and this is the perfect time to write about the upcoming week of football. By the way, kudos to baseball for becoming relevant again. The playoffs officially saved the sport from hockey like depths. Since the Diamondbacks decided they’d rather enjoy their October playing golf (actually totally acceptable in Arizona), I’ve officially adopted which ever team is playing the Red Sox. That’s right, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, drag John Lackey and Bobby Abreu’s corpse out, we got a series to win.

Back to more important things, I have to admit, I’ve been pretty lax in watching these teams play this year. Truthfully, I can say I’ve seen three games, and two have involved the Cardinals, so really, you shouldn’t listen to these picks or my ramblings at all. I can’t tell you if the Denver Broncos are for real, or if the Cleveland Browns are the worst team in football, or if JaMarcus Russell bought a Wendy’s franchise and put it in his basement over the off-season. I just don’t know. I do know that I’ve been reading, and if there is one thing I can tell you, it is that John Clayton really doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. Seriously, incredibly disappointed in ESPN football writers. However, the division blogs are where to go if you’re looking for some solid news about your favorite team. Mike Sando does a wonderful job with the NFC West.

Finally, damn each and every fast food chain ever. I mean, watching television is ridiculous when you have commercial after commercial with things like the Baconator and Volcano Nacho Burritos flying across your screen. How is America not obese? These things look delicious and taste even better, I promise. So my idea to stop obesity is to give everyone DVR so they fast forward through commercials and not be tempted by the Orange Chicken lurking down the street at your local Panda Express. Here are my picks real quick so I can get to Sonic before it closes…

BUFFALO -6 over Cleveland: Both teams are terrible, I can’t believe I trusted Trent Edwards in fantasy last week.

DETROIT +10.5 over Pittsburgh: Well, Vegas hasn’t caught on that Detroit isn’t that bad. Pittsburgh, on the other hand, needs to start playing a bit better if they want to sniff the playoffs.

Dallas -9 over KANSAS CITY: I’m officially in the Tony Romo fan club. I feel bad for the guy and I think he’s about to have a big game.

CAROLINA -3.5 over Washington: Washington is the only 2-2 team that should be 0-4, and Jake Delhomme is playing better.

Cincinnati +9 over BALTIMORE: I think everyone is banking on Baltimore coming back strong after their last loss, however, laying 9 to any team as good as Cinci is a mistake.

Tampa Bay +14.5 over PHILADELPHIA: No NFL team, including Tampa and Cleveland, should ever get two touchdowns. Ridiculous…

NY GIANTS -15 over Oakland: errr…Oakland is bad. I heard JaMarcus Russell eats the entire McDonald’s Dollar Menu for midnight snack.

Minnesota -10 over ST. LOUIS: St. Louis will trot out either (a) Mark Bulger or (b) Kyle Boller…enough said.

Atlanta +2.5 over SAN FRANCISCO: Still not buying Shaun “One Tree” Hill, or One Tree Hill dvds, and I look like Matt Ryan if Matt Ryan was a lot prettier.

ARIZONA -5.5 over Houston: Pray to God the Cardinals come out with their game faces on this week. Fitzy tells me they’re practicing well this week. We need to get back to .500. LETS DO THIS!!!

New England -3 over DENVER: Wow, good game, but Tom Brady resumes his prior role as Tom Brady and shreds this newly vaunted Denver defense.

Indianapolis -3.5 over TENNESSEE: Peyton Manning giving just 3.5 is just unfair.

MIAMI +1 over NY Jets: I like the Miami Wildcats, and I think they have a shot against this over-hyped Jets team.

That’s it. I’m so hungry.